How to Walk in Love

People, Places, and Perspectives.

During my quiet time today I asked the Lord how to walk in love. Especially when it gets hard. “I need You to enlarge my heart,”I told Him.

And then He said to me, “Any believer who desires to love the way Jesus does needs to first get their own restoration and healing…a wounded heart cannot expand and let others in. A broken arm cannot embrace.”

And that was why Jesus was wounded on the cross…so that we may be healed.

Isaiah 53:5

But he was pierced for our transgressions,
    he was crushed for our iniquities;
the punishment that brought us peace was on him,
    and by his wounds we are healed.

(Holy Bible, New International Version)

View original post

Solitude, Silence and Sufficiency

What a bittersweet season this is. And one full of contradictions.

I am feeling melancholic, and yet I feel joy bubbling deep inside of me. 

There’s a sense of lethargy over things that I have tolerated that I do not want to tolerate anymore. At least for now. A sense of loneliness from the disconnection that I feel with people who are supposed to be close to me but:

Talk way more than they listen. Conversations with them leave me feeling like something is wanting, in contrast to feeling uplifted. I am often told I am a good listener, but I am not a martyr. So for this season I am not all ears to some people. By choice. 

Patronize. Giving unsolicited advice, or making remarks consisting of such rudimentary information that they are effectively saying:”I know better than you” – when I was just looking for an intelligent exchange of thoughts among equals. Maybe in their eyes I am not their equal. So I will not even try to be. 

Drain me while expecting me to lift them up with my enthusiasm and appetite for the unconventional. It is as if my adventures are entertainment for them, witnessing things that they would not have dared to attempt themselves, while they pour out their fears and pessimism to me not realizing that even positive people are not immune to negative energy. Or worse, tell me directly or indirectly that I am thinking too big. Planning to move to another country? “Did you just win the lottery?” Or trying to inject practicality into my aspiration towards the apparently impossible. 

So I am feeling disconnected from these people. It feels like…rejection. Although no one rejected me outright. And yet because of this disconnection the power of solitude becomes even more palpable. More glorious. More sufficient than ever. There is so much comfort in being lonely…feeling unheard and not understood, and then knowing that it is in such solitude and aloneness that I appreciate all the unequivocal loyalty that I know I have. Loyalty of God, of my parents, my family, my few lifelong friends. Of God. Who is surely speaking a whole lot to me in this season of seeking His face afresh and His word anew. 

So I am choosing to be silent. After I have expressed my displeasure. My tongue can be unbridled but I will know at the end of the day – if those friendships, relationships – are strong and true enough to withstand my honesty. 

I decided not to be “nice”. And it feels so good…because I am enough. And God is more than enough. 

This post is a response to today’s prompt:

<a href=”https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/solitude/”>Solitude</a> and life. 

From How I Feel to Who I Am: A Paradigm Shift

According to my MBTI profile, I am an INFP. And the problem is I scored 80 on the F (for feeler) and only 20 on the T (for thinker). So I used to joke that I didn’t use my head much. 

Joke aside, Myers-Briggs was spot on about me. I am just wired to be driven by emotions, even in school some friends observed that my grades seemed to fluctuate according to my mood! 

But over the years, as my responsibilities in life grew and my aspirations grew along, the yo-yo started to get tiring. My emotions were great when they swinged towards the positive: I had signed up for law school, a marathon and fund raising, beauty pageant, volunteer work, written heartfelt letters, quit a job to pursue my dream career, cooked for my grandma when I felt great about myself and that there was nothing that could stop me. (Right now I am feeling pretty jolly and am contemplating returning to law school, but oops, that’s another subject altogether). 

But when they took a nose dive for whatever reason or trigger – an argument with a loved one, or some disappointment – I got hit pretty hard – words just wouldn’t flow when I had to write, I would want to hide at home and not face the world when there were people I had to meet, and there would be a sense of frustration standing like a wall between me and all that I wanted to do and be, the feeling that “if I could just get over this sadness and heaviness, then my heart would be light again and I could chase after life again.” It was frustrating, exasperating, and depressing – until I got out of it and snap back into my happy self. It felt like a vicious cycle I had little control over – not serious enough to cause a dysfunction, but bad enough to cause a lot of frustration and opportunities. 

Until I finally got a revelation this morning. 

(To be continued) 

Freedom to Love

“Freedom is the ability to pause.” – source unknown

Damn amygdala
And the failure that was me
To stop the primitive in its track.

Too many perceived attacks
Caused me to react
And hearts – including my own
To bleed, and crack.

My claims of love
Empty lip service
How could I love
And let my words
Pour out in torrents
Like a heavy nasty rain
Bringing forth a flood of sadness
I get drowned myself
In the end.

If a hug could tell you, and you, and you, and you
How sorry I am
It would be tight, long, moist with remorse
Resigned to damages done
And an unchangeable past
It would be warm with some strange comfort
That the villain of old…has awakened
I hope she hasn’t taken too much toll.

Those who hurt, hurt others
So they say
I had those inner landmines removed
The amygdala no longer reigns supreme
I seek freedom from me
Now I bow to choice
And it tells me to simply pause.

When I am at a standstill
That’s when I see you
And remember to love you
Despite me and you and everything in between.