According to my MBTI profile, I am an INFP. And the problem is I scored 80 on the F (for feeler) and only 20 on the T (for thinker). So I used to joke that I didn’t use my head much.
Joke aside, Myers-Briggs was spot on about me. I am just wired to be driven by emotions, even in school some friends observed that my grades seemed to fluctuate according to my mood!
But over the years, as my responsibilities in life grew and my aspirations grew along, the yo-yo started to get tiring. My emotions were great when they swinged towards the positive: I had signed up for law school, a marathon and fund raising, beauty pageant, volunteer work, written heartfelt letters, quit a job to pursue my dream career, cooked for my grandma when I felt great about myself and that there was nothing that could stop me. (Right now I am feeling pretty jolly and am contemplating returning to law school, but oops, that’s another subject altogether).
But when they took a nose dive for whatever reason or trigger – an argument with a loved one, or some disappointment – I got hit pretty hard – words just wouldn’t flow when I had to write, I would want to hide at home and not face the world when there were people I had to meet, and there would be a sense of frustration standing like a wall between me and all that I wanted to do and be, the feeling that “if I could just get over this sadness and heaviness, then my heart would be light again and I could chase after life again.” It was frustrating, exasperating, and depressing – until I got out of it and snap back into my happy self. It felt like a vicious cycle I had little control over – not serious enough to cause a dysfunction, but bad enough to cause a lot of frustration and opportunities.
Until I finally got a revelation this morning.
(To be continued)